How do you write something you have a difficult time understanding yourself ? I suppose you write it out and then look back and make sure that you accurately expressed the experience and then wait for some clarity. That is what I will have to do with this post. See there are somethings that have been on my mind.
When I was a child I would look up at the sky as if I was expecting something to happen. I felt it should and that I was in the wrong place. I felt strange when I looked at my parents. I do not feel anything towards them now. When I was younger suffering through the abuse at their hands I would sometimes feel anger or unfairness at how I was treated. I have forgiven them and now moved on in life. But I always felt a bit like an alien. For lack of a better phrase. I remember my mother telling me of my birth. She had me very late in life. She was approximately forty two years old. She would say that I was a mistake and that I was an accident. Then she would follow those words with somethings that should not be said to a child. She said that she was me coming out of her body from above. She watched me come out of her and she said that I was born dead. That they had to bring me back to life. Once they did there I was in this world.
Growing up I felt fascination with snakes and nature and books. You would hardly ever see me without a book. My favorite time of the week was when I could go to the public library and get a bag of books and then go home and open and book and go away from this place. Using my imagination I often did. I would go off by myself and climb up on top of mountains. They looked like mountains to a child. Most likely a hill. I felt spirits since I was a child. There was a time when I was about four maybe five years old where I remember a black vehicle. I remember talking to someone but I cant remember who. I was dropped off at home but when I turned it was gone. All I knew was that I was in trouble for scaring my parents. But I didnt feel fear then not while speaking to this person, being, im not sure. I remember seeing paintings in the walls and tried to show my parents and they did not see them. They accused me of being a liar, but i was not lying.
I remember being put in a special class for children that disrupt the classes but I only did because I was very bored. I knew the lessons and wanted to do more. My partner feels like this as well. They tried to get us to conform but we did not appear able to do so. I remember coming up with ideas and then some months later someone would win some award for the concept etc. It was vaguely odd but it happens.
I feel peoples emotions and try to help them. There is this light I am drawn to again and now I am learning how to open myself to it. My partner and I both do this now.It is a difficult road to travel. But upon finding my other half it is us now and we walk together and experience this together. Having that has given me joy and love that was before unimaginable. Now it feels like my body is lighter somehow and my spirit is overflowing with LIGHT positive light and a need to bring smiles and hope and peace and joy to everyone that I can.The world needs this. People need this. Every living sentient being needs this right now. So every night when we meditate we see ourselves as shining stars that spread light all over touching everything and everyone that we can.
There are terms I am reading now and researching and becoming more aware of as time goes on that seem to explain much of how I have felt my whole life. It is thrilling and a little frightening at the same time. From my research I am what they call an Indigo Adult and a Starseed. This explains so much. But I do not want to focus on myself too much. This is fact here.
Moving on I know this. The world must return back to balance. There has to be a return to this. There will be and I believe that my husband, partner, soulmate and I chose this life despite the pain in order to witness the onset of this change. There must be a return to peace joy harmony and expression of self. Sharing of information and food as needed. Loving one another and remembering that all are one living being. Please I ask that you think positively. Calm yourself and look inside and find that light and know it. Make it grow. You will understand.