Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Dancing and The Music in the realm called obscurity.

Dancing to music is one of the most freeing experiences of our lives. The moves can signify so many things inside of ourselves. It can be the teleportation of pain to somewhere else for a moment while flinging our cares away. It can be a moment in time that we meet our loves,whoever they may be. We find freedoms we never knew we had in todays world of conformity. We find our
soulmates in the songs,singing of our own agony and pain and suffering. We turn to them and listen to them.

Dancing has been a balm and a torment to me. I admit it out loud here. I have an injury that impedes my movement. So when I move to attempt to dance I find my movements hindered. I find i cannot move to show supplication to the sounds that comfort and inspire me. It tears me apart inside when i find i cannot dance like i used to. It also has inspired me to write and in my writings I find I can
still confer a certain degree of feelings,emotion and passion to the songs that I believe deserve their homage paid to them.

Watching dancers move whatever their genre is inspiring. It shows beautiful creatures moving in ways we only imagine. It shows them folding backwards with a simple movement of their arms showing disdain and submission. It is so beautiful to behold. Within their moves are hidden
sensuality. I find myself in many of them even if they are in another country and during a different time. Watching them I find communal commonality. They move and bleed silent cruor tears filled with their own longing.  (it would not let me upload this so i inserted it here.It is Cities in dust by the ever present Siouxsie Sioux
*I hate the industry even more now, no bands get nurtured anymore. Labels only spend money promoting acts they know will be Top Ten. I find it offensive spending $2 million on a video.*

So they picked the careeer to display this to the world.The feelings I succumb to when listening to songs are amazing. Like a rainbow of  affection, agitation, sorrow, sympathy, despondency, perturbation, concern, desire, inspiration, drive, ecstasy, elation, empathy, excitability, satisfaction, fervor, grief, happiness, joy, love, melancholy, rage, remorse, sadness, and sometimes even shame.

It is a fantastic climax of all of these things that keep us coming back for more. We sit or stand move or do not dare to for fear of embarrassment. Which is silly you should just dance and not care.Close your eyes and find your own space of freedom. You should hold your hands up to the sky and thank whatever god you believe in for such a gift as this. This..this amazing gift of freedom. The
fantastic guide for our souls. The gentle pouring of rain over our parched quintessence. Desperate for a drink of compassion, for a draught of feeling. To watch and know that we are not alone.
For too many years I have watched things change. I know that we idolize our musicians and think that they must be made from some seperate mold. Something different than where  we came from. Not true at all. They have their own feelings and emotional catastrophies. Yet they step on stage and go on. The rape of the gift to me is the studio executives and the money behind it all. They place upon the stage beautiful looking beings that cannot convey our souls sustenence.They are mere pretty shells designed by thecorporate media and so many do not even question them.

They have not the ear anymore for beautiful music sung from the soul. Some of the most amazing and breathtaking songs were sung by people that you would quite possibly not consider extremely beautiful. But since when do we need a beautiful vessel to convey art? Since when do we have to have plastic idols to adore and yet they cannot convey what we as humans desire and need?

I miss the times when I could close my eyes in a dark club and just float away. I miss the times when my darkness covered body became filled with light as i simply spinned and moved on the floor with no cares and just let myself fall to my knees asking and begging for forgiveness or for understanding as i danced. As i crafted and weaved a spell of desire and magic for my hungry essence.

I miss fishnet black veiled clubs like some lackluster bird.Awaiting the glimmer of the moon to show the gleam of beauty hidden in the shadows.

Whatever happened to the music you had to dig for? Why is it so hard to take the time to find astounding pieces of music that leave you breathless?  Is it just that much easier to turn on the radio and listen to what they tell you to? Is it really? When you are missing out on music like this?

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Living With Pain and Anxiety and Bi Polar

Patience is seen in these ways in the dictionary.Yet these are not covering fully all the meanings of patience.I have a problem with patience.

1.the quality of being patient,  as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like. ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.

3.quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience. 

How do you gain patience when you are plagued with these feelings and emotions inside of you? Logically I understand patience. I understand that it is a good quality. I know that it is there to help people all people through times of tribulation and suffering. I know that patience gets things done,in time. I know that with things such a patience and kindness and compassion all things can be attained or understood better.

Yet I suffer from anxiety and bi polar disorder. It is not something that I enjoy. It is in fact a point of shame because it makes me react in ways that I should not. It makes me hurt people with my words. It makes me lash out over the smallest things. Then once this is done I am left stunned into shame for what I just did. I know it was not the correct way to react. I know I could have done better.I know that I have many things to learn still.

I have pointed out something that I felt someone I love could benefit from. I suggested that he find ways to work on his memory. I have not raised the issue again save the night when he asked me to control my temper. To not freak out over the small things. I did not get angry.But instead I did tell him that his working on his memory strength is something he is consciously aware of. Whereas my anxiety is a reaction without the benefit or needed safety stop in place to prevent it from coming out of my mouth. It just happens and then after It has done so then I feel shame and want to cry because I am not that person. I do care and love and accept.

I have struggled for years now to think before I react.  Yet I react still and hurt people I love. I believe he understood what I said to him that night and realized it is not just as easy as he thinks it may be. I know that he does not think how i feel and how i react are all under my power.  But like anyone that is on the outside looking in they only understand to a certain point.  After that they are left guessing.Rather like trying really hard to read fine print. Important fine print but are unable to really make it out.

Today I got up early and made coffee and porridge and ran a bath and fed the cats and did laundry and so on.I left my partner sleeping. He works very hard and so I feel it is  not only something i Love to do for him but i feel honor bound to do this as well. I try my best to be an honorable person that does good for others.  Yet he said it was made with milk I had never heard this before. We have had discussions on living using less and I thought using water to boil it as I had done since i moved to England would be ok. I would leave a bowl of it and let my partner add whatever he liked to it. The coffee filter had not worked so there were grounds in it so i filtered them out.Then poured the coffee and put out breakfast and sat down to have some. My partner was not pleased you could tell he was trying to be polite like he always does. He ate very little and drank very little coffee. Towards the end I told him he could make it so It could be perfect.  This was me lashing out at him for what? Nothing. It in turn made me feel like nothing. 

Do I have a long way to go? Yes I do.Do I stumble along the way? Gods yes I do.I fall down and sometimes I look up wondering if i have moved forward at all.But I cannot give up.

To my partner we will work on this. A relationship is not about perfection.It is not about always agreeing.But if one of us does something wrong then we must say we are sorry and do our best to never do it again.I touch my loves cheek and look into his eyes and all i see is kindness and loyalty. He loves me even when i stumble. Even when my anxiety and bi polar play havoc with my true words. Sometimes I am so ashamed I hang my head and want to cry and curl up in a ball. I am truly sorry for all the times that i lose my temper and then regret it.  

My partner means that I have a reason to go on.He is my other half of my soul. When he is away from me it is as if I am not able to breathe fully. Each day when he leaves to go down the road to go to work I watch him go. I feel pain at his leaving.Later in the evening when he returns to me I can once again breathe and feel whole again.There is nobody in my life I have ever met that has been kinder. Within his eyes is the soul of the best of all of us. What we all wish we could be  he is.  He holds within him such potential for  a greater being.  His hands softly hold mine and I suddenly feel safe. He holds me and I fall into a softer me and give in to the gentle persuasion of love that he holds.  He is my anchor and my love. 

I want the world to know that within all of us is a greater being just waiting for a chance to come out. Will you be your own mini sage all replete with the knowledge of the world? No.  But in this greater form can you see and share the suffering of others?  Can you understand that what they feel is something we all feel and share. Nobody is alone in this world. We are all brothers and sisters suffering,laughing,procreating,celebrating,living,contemplating great things,giving of ourselves. We are all capable of amazing things.

My wish is to be forgiven by my partner and you know what? He already has even though I do not feel I deserve it. But he did it. Thank you. Thank you for taking such a broken thing as I and mending it slowly as you can to fullness and strength again. Thank you. You have made my dreams come true.  You held my hand when I needed it and you have given me the will to live. We sit for hours and just talk about what we want in life. Sharing and growing together. I do not want to walk down the road in life with anyone but you. You are my kitten and I am your kitty.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Consumption benefit yet Frugal

I could hardly believe it today when we wandered into a store today and went towards the discount area.We go there first now.I found a huge bunch of greens(69 or 89p),a couple of bunches of spring onions(69p) and a bag of red potatoes(9p).The night before we found some clotted cream pots for only 17p each and so when i got home today I opened the bag and found only a few small blemishes on the potatoes and everything else was fine.So i washed and cut out all the rough bits in the greens.I cooked them with rosemary and olive oil and black and white pepper.It was so good i ate a small bowl right there.I only wilted the greens a bit.Now there is a container of fabulous potato soup to eat in the fridge.

So for those costs you see there plus the cost of a cup of double cream about £1.09.Add it up and you come to approx £2.93 plus the small cost of olive oil and the pinch of rosemary and we now have a meal with warmth and positive energy in it that cost almost nothing.Tomorrow Alex my kitten works for twelve hours at his job.I worry for him and I like to make sure that he has everything and anything that he could need in this world.So I am going to fill his lunch box with this and some garlic toast and this will I hope bring a smile to his face.Not to mention the small note I plan on leaving in his lunch box.

There was a mint plant they were trying to throw away and i saved him for 89p.I went and found some plant food and some nice compost and replanted him loosening up his roots to let him know there was room to grow.I keep him watered and he is getting bigger!Our neighbor Alex gave us a lettuce plant.I confess I had never raised a lettuce plant and had not been known to posess a green thumb.But i tried.Finally in th emiddle of winter with one or two leaves clinging to it i took it in and warmed him.I then tried watering and that was not doing it.So now we repotted him with a six month supply of food.So here is hoping to a big plant! It is very exciting to me. A peace lily that my friend Barry bought for me is doing well in his new home.My little ivy is going to grow and so watching al these things growing is really quite enjoyable.I want to let the ivy grow to the cieling and all over.The more green the better.

Alex is now growing sprouts in a jar.I rinse them each day and they are quite good.Very vitamin rich.So Alex was tired and i thought ok what can i make for breakfast that e won't expect.So i took a big roll of shortbread  and spread it out over a pan.Well oiled wax paper and washed his sprouts and layered them in a thick layer over the shortbread.Then i took a bowl and in it i mixed one can of cream of mushroom and one container of cream cheese.Then i added a spoon of mustard,one tsp of cumin and one tsp of coriander.Then i mixed it all together.I then boiled potatoes in slices until almost done.Drained them and mixed them into the cream mixture.I cooked onions and bell peppers seperatly and put them on top.Then added mozarella cheese and cheddar and then cut up small cherry tomatoes on top until it was covered.Then I drizzled olive oil over the top and put it in the oven.

The cool part was the potatoes were almost free.The tomatoes were needing to be used big time.The cheese needed to be used so it all culminated in this dish.Which by the way was very very good.

I think they key is keep an eye out for good deals.Natural items you can cook yourself.Mix up and come up with something amazing!!IF you make too much invite a neighbor over and share!!!

Thursday, January 12, 2012


We all have moments where we look back and regret things.Things we said or things we did not say.Things we did or did not do.Places we wished we had been to save someone.Sometimes we wish ill upon others.Sometimes we just react badly towards a stranger.These are all things we have done as a people.As a whole we have harmed and done things that we regret later.That is what this blog post will be about.

This is my atonement and an attempt at reparation.Even if I cannot stand in front of who I intend this to be for I still need to do it.Even if the people I have hurt are unwilling to listen to me.There have been misunderstandings and things said sometimes on both sides that are something to regret.

Have I given in to my anger in the past? Yes indeed I have. Have i given into my anger in the past week? Yes I have.I think knowing you have done something that was unkind or rash demonstrates what kind of a person you are.I think how you go about your future actions and how you try to repair said damage defines who you are.

Even if you feel that your anger is justified you should try to think about it a little more thoroughly before you act upon it.If you are able to do that and walk away and sit down and calm down and try to approach it more logically you may obtain a better resolution.I am aware that it is not always possible to do so.But if you can try to do that instead.I find that if you simply react and retort based on anger it rarely solves anything.

Not everyone is ready to accept that things do not always work out the way they may wish and will in turn become angry and potentially lash out at innocent people without realizing.I have done that before.I have been on the phone and became frustrated when customer service could not resolve my issue and i lashed out at them.After I had done so I said that I was sorry and that it was wrong of me to do so.I end up feeling terrible about my actions.

Now have i encountered a person on the phone who was completely rude and refused to be civil towards me? Yes and did i react badly once I had hung up the phone? Yes.Did i let out a small string of expletives? Yes I did.Am i proud of this? No.But I realized it was wrong and solves nothing so I have made a choice not to do this again.So far so good.

I play in a game called second life.Usually I am on there daily and interacting with many different kinds of people.Over time I have spoken to people from so many countries that i feel a bit like a virtual traveller.Within this world I have encountered people that I call my friends and have become very close to.Also within this game I have met some people that I do not correlate with at all.They have insulted me and berated my friends and so on.The thing I hope for is that in time they will stop doing these kinds of things.The thing that hurts me is knowing that they seem to do this based on the persons association with me.It is not their fault that they have chosen to join in my game.Yet they end up being mistreated because of it and that makes me sad.

At one point all of this made me angry.It made me feel as if revenge were needed.But not anymore.What I would like it to sit down with these people and ask them if we can just wipe the past away.Can we move forward and not be shackled to the past? Have I made mistakes concerning the handling of things? Yes in the past I have.Over the last few months I have tried to either let it rest and hopefully go to sleep.Although I really wish there could be a resolution to all of this.It is a game within CCS realm and all I want is for us to enjoy ourselves.

When a person is in second life they have the opportunity to use a program called Skype to call people.I use it to assist new players get their meters set up.To help them understand the basic rules and so on.Within the Skype call it is considered out of character.So within this framework to call someone a particular name is considered out of character insult.This conversation where it happened was a regretful thing.Do i regret how i approached the conversation? Yes.Do i regret what i said? No i do not.It was the truth that I have passed through a few associates before stating aloud.

There are many things that i regret in my life.I regret that I could not have a better relationship with my parents.I regret that they are not an active part of my life.I regret that I seem to have disappointed them.But if they only knew that I struggle each day to become a better person.I try so hard to set a good example.To live up to the words that I give out as advice to others.

I try hard to walk the path of calm contemplation.My friends teach me this all the time.They too are learning and walking a path carefully.As they walk they gather the dirt under their feet.They can choose to brush the dirt off as if it were loathesome.Or they can carefully wash their feet of the dirt and let it gently sink back into the ground to find a new path of nourishment.Sometimes dirt on a path has simply been misplaced and needs to be reminded of its purpose and home.

Whenever I meet new people I have a tendency to judge them almost instantly.I am ashamed of this but it is true.I have been playing this game for so long that there are what i refer to as tells.Within a profile of a person are hidden hints as to who they are or could be.I have found myself right many a time.But I wonder if it is because I am putting in will for it to be so.Is it my own fault? Do i react in a defensive way for them to behave as i predict they will based on programmed actions on my part? I do not know.

I do know that people can actively change over time.I do know that I have hurt people and for that I am sorry.Truly and sincerely sorry.I know that each day I will do my best to treat people better.To give them a chance to prove themselves before i judge them.I am a loving person in reality and I want all people in time to see and know this.This life is far too short to hold on to things that have passed and no longer matter.They have passed and in passing have left emotions and feelings lingering that sometimes can be used to attack and belittle others.

For anyone I said an unkind thing towards.I am sorry.

For anyone that I judged ahead of time before saying one word to them. I am sorry.

For the person that still was learning in life and I was to impatient to see it.I am sorry.

For the person who is struggling just as i am,I was too blind to see that we are both suffering.I am sorry.

For those whose real life is a struggle and i did not know.I am sorry.

I hope in time you can forgive me and you can get to know the person I am striving to be.

There is no perfection to be obtained here.But compassion and patience and true affection can be reached.So for all of that I ask that you simply try to forgive me and understand that i too was young and made mistakes.I will continue to do so.But i promise I will do my best to avoid harming you any further.

Friday, January 6, 2012

A Small Step To Begin With

A Small Step To begin With

How to explain how someone touches your life in a way you cannot imagine.I knew I was not whole.I knew there were parts of me that had yet to be nourished.There was a small part of me that I felt was constantly emitting a keening sound of pain.Something i tried to ignore.But you can truly only ignore something for so long before it overwhelms you.I did not know I had reached that point yet.It was as if something held it all back and I did not know what.I touched the world and did not know that my contact affected others.Others perhaps I did not yet know nor would I ever meet them in physical form.Yet it remained.An echoing reminder I could not yet hear.

I met a woman named Ruth.Ruth I found means traditionally (As an English noun, 'ruth' means "pity; compassion" and is a synonym of mercy and sympathy.)It also means friend.Within the realm of space and unknowable things I was placed in her path.A then wounded and lost person.Though I did not yet know it myself.Looking upon her she astounds you.Her neverending compassion.Her inate ability to understand the meaning of the word community.Her intelligence and patience.Without a word she would just reach out and hold me.I resisted at first.Certain in my own strength.Ready to wipe away my emotions I did not wish to deal with.Stumbling through and hoping i suppose to come out unscathed at the other end.Lost but not broken I learned.Wounded but not unable to heal in time.Still capable of learning and finding joy.Impefect and yet only withering was I.She did not actively attempt to heal me.She did not take me to the side and counsil me.Most likely
I would have  faltered and possibly pushed back gently.Stubborn and determined to do it on my own.She listened to me.She showed me how to be a better person without a word.

To see her working so tirelessly for the betterment of others over herself.I gulped back tears sometimes when I heard the things that she did for others.When i saw those small hands laboring to get things organized as best she could.When one day she came in and asked if I wanted to go to the store with her.I did not want to go but i went because I knew i needed to get out of the house.So along we went down the road.She would speak in this excited tone when she spotted a bird.She would see a
pretty cloud in the sky and speak in a hushed tone at how lovely it was.The changing of the seasons would make her so happy.There was a tree that i walked past each day.During the spring it turned white with flowers.When we passed that she said to me is wearing it's wedding dress and I began to smile.I had not realized what a hurry i had been in until i met her.I did not realize what i had taken for granted until I met Miss Ruth.

We would go to the store and I would wander around and sometimes we crossed paths and she was teaching me even in there.I learned how to shop better because of her.But little did i know that she was paying acute attention to things that i liked.She did not say much to me but she was doing just that.Sometimes I would be deep in my computer and I would hear a knock on the door and occasionally I would let out a sigh as I did not want to be disturbed.Yet she would say in a slightly
conspiratorial tone.Come look what i did.So I would follow her to the kitchen and there piled all over the island and the table would be my favorites.Things I loved.Things I had mentioned in passing that i liked.She would find me organic eggs and organic peanut butter for me.Or piles of tomatoes.It was then that I would find myself ashamed at how i reacted.But we learn in time how to be better people don't we.

Sometimes I would go into the kitchen and find a single solitary cracker with a smidge of peanut butter on it.Sitting next to a jar of organic peanut butter.I do not know how long she spent scraping this jar to get the last of it out for me.But in this she taught me patience.She showed me determination and not to waste things.So I would have my cracker and think of her.I began to make it a point to hug her when i could.To help her with the table.To try and set things or clean up later to help her where i could.

I remember small trips to the local organic store and watching her carefully buy things for her family.Of which I was now honored to feel a part of.She welcomed me into her home and her heart.I saw her picking up things and weighing what she wanted.I remember she did not seem to have a car in the world of what other people thought of her.She was at peace and gave nothing but comfort to other people.She did her best to cheer up anyone she saw was down.Or if she saw someone sitting along she would speak to them.She is a well of comfort and love.

Moving around with her i learned these things from her.I think that maybe that was what was intended.A passive learning class so to speak.I was the pupil and i was absorbing more than i knew.
At her home she asked so little of anyone and yet did so much.She had her own room filled with positive things.Books obviously cared for.On so many topics that were of interest.Books I could have spent hours looking at.She would meditate quietly in her room a soft waft of incense permeating her room.I would knock lightly sometimes to ask her something.Although i hesitated to do so as I knew how tired she sometimes became.

We would sit sometimes and talk for hours as i slowly grew as a person.I began to see what was more important.Not so much the hurry to get from place to place but how you get there.The people you meet.The chances you get to change peoples lives with just a small smile.Perhaps offering someone an ear if they needed to talk.To do things with no expectation of payment.We had a neighbor and she had many children.She was a very loving person all her own.I did not know all that they did together but i know that their friendship was a great comfort to Miss Ruth.I know that they collaborated together and found a synergy that you do not often see.One giving to the other and in return likewise.Funny but whenever one seemed to have a need the other seemed to have the solution.

Miss Ruth made me aware of so many things in the world which led me to the Dalai Lama.This was the turning point again for me.I put his book on my MP3 player and just walk each morning and be almost on the verge of tears as i listened to him speaking and nodded the whole time in understanding.It was as if the reason for understanding manifested itself within Miss Ruth and led me to this peace that I find filling my heart each day.I am not perfect.I do still get overcome with my anger but i try to mend my ways.I see anger as something that is an easy way out and I have to try to find a better way now.

As i approached my time to leave the place i now called home I realized that no matter where I go I have my mother with me now.A woman who did not have to take me in but did.Someone who did perhaps see a late bloomer appearing before her and had the patience to wait until some of my petals unfolded.She took me in and filled my heart with joy and I will forever be grateful to her for helping me to become who I am now.When people ask me how i am the way I am i atribute it to my mother.She took something damaged and helped to heal me.She only helped guide me to where I am now.I miss being able to hold her and tell her that I love her and thank you.The most painful part for me was getting out of that van and going into the airport.

But getting on that plane has led me to the most joy I have ever experienced in my life thus far.It helped me to open up to the people in my life and share the love i now understand better.It helped me to find my soul mate.Literally Alex is my other half of my soul.He completes me in every way.When he is apart from me I miss him so much.But if it had not been for meeting the people i did like Miss Ruth I do not know that such joy would be mine to celebrate now.I had to let go of all of that anger and sadness.The disappointments in my life and the struggling to better myself.To hide my feelings and not let them show.To let go of all of this and let life show me that there is a a reason to go on with arms open.

The people in my life now are a blessing.I can name a few.My friend cynthia is an absolute joy to me with her bubbly personality and her trust in me as a friend.She is a soft kitten who i absolutely cherish,Barry with his soft kindness and intelligent advice,Christopher in new york with his coffee and brilliant personality and loyalty beyond measure,Gregory who I listen to and discover a beautiful layer underneath all of his pain,Rosidey with the light within her showing me such wonderful possibilities,Alex my neighbor who is so kind and generous and we are lucky to have him so close by,Alex's nan and mother are both sweet and accepted me right away making me feel welcome,Patricia Anne you lovely mouse,you treasure to my heart.I love you so much,Ishy for listening and talking to me.For remaining a wellspring of knowledge and common sence.For
being the beautiful person that you are.Go Lady :),Bend for being honest and to the point and always helping us when we need it,Salina who just makes me laugh and generally is a beautiful lovely woman.All of you thank you.I am certain there are more people I may have left out.Forgive me if i did not mention you but there are so many that have come into my life recently that take my breath away.

While I have a way to go still I have all of this to thank really to Miss Ruth at the beginning.Thank you so very much for accepting me.Thank you for showing me things that I needed to see and learning things I did not know.May you have joy and peace in your life.May you have a heart filled with warmth.May you know that you are loved dearly over here.I miss you with all my heart.i carry you with me every step of the way.You are a beautiful astounding human being. Namaste...My mother.