Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Living With Pain and Anxiety and Bi Polar

Patience is seen in these ways in the dictionary.Yet these are not covering fully all the meanings of patience.I have a problem with patience.

1.the quality of being patient,  as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like. ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.

3.quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience. 

How do you gain patience when you are plagued with these feelings and emotions inside of you? Logically I understand patience. I understand that it is a good quality. I know that it is there to help people all people through times of tribulation and suffering. I know that patience gets things done,in time. I know that with things such a patience and kindness and compassion all things can be attained or understood better.

Yet I suffer from anxiety and bi polar disorder. It is not something that I enjoy. It is in fact a point of shame because it makes me react in ways that I should not. It makes me hurt people with my words. It makes me lash out over the smallest things. Then once this is done I am left stunned into shame for what I just did. I know it was not the correct way to react. I know I could have done better.I know that I have many things to learn still.

I have pointed out something that I felt someone I love could benefit from. I suggested that he find ways to work on his memory. I have not raised the issue again save the night when he asked me to control my temper. To not freak out over the small things. I did not get angry.But instead I did tell him that his working on his memory strength is something he is consciously aware of. Whereas my anxiety is a reaction without the benefit or needed safety stop in place to prevent it from coming out of my mouth. It just happens and then after It has done so then I feel shame and want to cry because I am not that person. I do care and love and accept.

I have struggled for years now to think before I react.  Yet I react still and hurt people I love. I believe he understood what I said to him that night and realized it is not just as easy as he thinks it may be. I know that he does not think how i feel and how i react are all under my power.  But like anyone that is on the outside looking in they only understand to a certain point.  After that they are left guessing.Rather like trying really hard to read fine print. Important fine print but are unable to really make it out.

Today I got up early and made coffee and porridge and ran a bath and fed the cats and did laundry and so on.I left my partner sleeping. He works very hard and so I feel it is  not only something i Love to do for him but i feel honor bound to do this as well. I try my best to be an honorable person that does good for others.  Yet he said it was made with milk I had never heard this before. We have had discussions on living using less and I thought using water to boil it as I had done since i moved to England would be ok. I would leave a bowl of it and let my partner add whatever he liked to it. The coffee filter had not worked so there were grounds in it so i filtered them out.Then poured the coffee and put out breakfast and sat down to have some. My partner was not pleased you could tell he was trying to be polite like he always does. He ate very little and drank very little coffee. Towards the end I told him he could make it so It could be perfect.  This was me lashing out at him for what? Nothing. It in turn made me feel like nothing. 

Do I have a long way to go? Yes I do.Do I stumble along the way? Gods yes I do.I fall down and sometimes I look up wondering if i have moved forward at all.But I cannot give up.

To my partner we will work on this. A relationship is not about perfection.It is not about always agreeing.But if one of us does something wrong then we must say we are sorry and do our best to never do it again.I touch my loves cheek and look into his eyes and all i see is kindness and loyalty. He loves me even when i stumble. Even when my anxiety and bi polar play havoc with my true words. Sometimes I am so ashamed I hang my head and want to cry and curl up in a ball. I am truly sorry for all the times that i lose my temper and then regret it.  

My partner means that I have a reason to go on.He is my other half of my soul. When he is away from me it is as if I am not able to breathe fully. Each day when he leaves to go down the road to go to work I watch him go. I feel pain at his leaving.Later in the evening when he returns to me I can once again breathe and feel whole again.There is nobody in my life I have ever met that has been kinder. Within his eyes is the soul of the best of all of us. What we all wish we could be  he is.  He holds within him such potential for  a greater being.  His hands softly hold mine and I suddenly feel safe. He holds me and I fall into a softer me and give in to the gentle persuasion of love that he holds.  He is my anchor and my love. 

I want the world to know that within all of us is a greater being just waiting for a chance to come out. Will you be your own mini sage all replete with the knowledge of the world? No.  But in this greater form can you see and share the suffering of others?  Can you understand that what they feel is something we all feel and share. Nobody is alone in this world. We are all brothers and sisters suffering,laughing,procreating,celebrating,living,contemplating great things,giving of ourselves. We are all capable of amazing things.

My wish is to be forgiven by my partner and you know what? He already has even though I do not feel I deserve it. But he did it. Thank you. Thank you for taking such a broken thing as I and mending it slowly as you can to fullness and strength again. Thank you. You have made my dreams come true.  You held my hand when I needed it and you have given me the will to live. We sit for hours and just talk about what we want in life. Sharing and growing together. I do not want to walk down the road in life with anyone but you. You are my kitten and I am your kitty.


  1. hello KittyDarling...i ended up at your blog somewhat accidentally...although i dont really believe accidents truly exist...i read through this article and it struck a chord with me...i suffered with depression that lingered for years before i was hit with anxiety that i felt i needed to take meds wasnt too long after though that i discovered a website that changed my pleased to say that today the depression and anxiety i went through are only distant im sure youve scoured the web for books and resources on the subject...and i dont know where you are at in your journey or how deeply you suffer...but i felt compelled to leave a comment as i do believe that the information i came across may be of benefit to is the link to the site:

    sending you and your partner positive energy filled with faith and understanding :)

  2. I thank you for the page.I did look at the page and the trouble is that it costs money.Money I do not have at the moment.

  3. send me an email :)