Thursday, January 12, 2012
This is my atonement and an attempt at reparation.Even if I cannot stand in front of who I intend this to be for I still need to do it.Even if the people I have hurt are unwilling to listen to me.There have been misunderstandings and things said sometimes on both sides that are something to regret.
Have I given in to my anger in the past? Yes indeed I have. Have i given into my anger in the past week? Yes I have.I think knowing you have done something that was unkind or rash demonstrates what kind of a person you are.I think how you go about your future actions and how you try to repair said damage defines who you are.
Even if you feel that your anger is justified you should try to think about it a little more thoroughly before you act upon it.If you are able to do that and walk away and sit down and calm down and try to approach it more logically you may obtain a better resolution.I am aware that it is not always possible to do so.But if you can try to do that instead.I find that if you simply react and retort based on anger it rarely solves anything.
Not everyone is ready to accept that things do not always work out the way they may wish and will in turn become angry and potentially lash out at innocent people without realizing.I have done that before.I have been on the phone and became frustrated when customer service could not resolve my issue and i lashed out at them.After I had done so I said that I was sorry and that it was wrong of me to do so.I end up feeling terrible about my actions.
Now have i encountered a person on the phone who was completely rude and refused to be civil towards me? Yes and did i react badly once I had hung up the phone? Yes.Did i let out a small string of expletives? Yes I did.Am i proud of this? No.But I realized it was wrong and solves nothing so I have made a choice not to do this again.So far so good.
I play in a game called second life.Usually I am on there daily and interacting with many different kinds of people.Over time I have spoken to people from so many countries that i feel a bit like a virtual traveller.Within this world I have encountered people that I call my friends and have become very close to.Also within this game I have met some people that I do not correlate with at all.They have insulted me and berated my friends and so on.The thing I hope for is that in time they will stop doing these kinds of things.The thing that hurts me is knowing that they seem to do this based on the persons association with me.It is not their fault that they have chosen to join in my game.Yet they end up being mistreated because of it and that makes me sad.
At one point all of this made me angry.It made me feel as if revenge were needed.But not anymore.What I would like it to sit down with these people and ask them if we can just wipe the past away.Can we move forward and not be shackled to the past? Have I made mistakes concerning the handling of things? Yes in the past I have.Over the last few months I have tried to either let it rest and hopefully go to sleep.Although I really wish there could be a resolution to all of this.It is a game within CCS realm and all I want is for us to enjoy ourselves.
When a person is in second life they have the opportunity to use a program called Skype to call people.I use it to assist new players get their meters set up.To help them understand the basic rules and so on.Within the Skype call it is considered out of character.So within this framework to call someone a particular name is considered out of character insult.This conversation where it happened was a regretful thing.Do i regret how i approached the conversation? Yes.Do i regret what i said? No i do not.It was the truth that I have passed through a few associates before stating aloud.
There are many things that i regret in my life.I regret that I could not have a better relationship with my parents.I regret that they are not an active part of my life.I regret that I seem to have disappointed them.But if they only knew that I struggle each day to become a better person.I try so hard to set a good example.To live up to the words that I give out as advice to others.
I try hard to walk the path of calm contemplation.My friends teach me this all the time.They too are learning and walking a path carefully.As they walk they gather the dirt under their feet.They can choose to brush the dirt off as if it were loathesome.Or they can carefully wash their feet of the dirt and let it gently sink back into the ground to find a new path of nourishment.Sometimes dirt on a path has simply been misplaced and needs to be reminded of its purpose and home.
Whenever I meet new people I have a tendency to judge them almost instantly.I am ashamed of this but it is true.I have been playing this game for so long that there are what i refer to as tells.Within a profile of a person are hidden hints as to who they are or could be.I have found myself right many a time.But I wonder if it is because I am putting in will for it to be so.Is it my own fault? Do i react in a defensive way for them to behave as i predict they will based on programmed actions on my part? I do not know.
I do know that people can actively change over time.I do know that I have hurt people and for that I am sorry.Truly and sincerely sorry.I know that each day I will do my best to treat people better.To give them a chance to prove themselves before i judge them.I am a loving person in reality and I want all people in time to see and know this.This life is far too short to hold on to things that have passed and no longer matter.They have passed and in passing have left emotions and feelings lingering that sometimes can be used to attack and belittle others.
For anyone I said an unkind thing towards.I am sorry.
For anyone that I judged ahead of time before saying one word to them. I am sorry.
For the person that still was learning in life and I was to impatient to see it.I am sorry.
For the person who is struggling just as i am,I was too blind to see that we are both suffering.I am sorry.
For those whose real life is a struggle and i did not know.I am sorry.
I hope in time you can forgive me and you can get to know the person I am striving to be.
There is no perfection to be obtained here.But compassion and patience and true affection can be reached.So for all of that I ask that you simply try to forgive me and understand that i too was young and made mistakes.I will continue to do so.But i promise I will do my best to avoid harming you any further.