Friday, January 6, 2012

A Small Step To Begin With

A Small Step To begin With

How to explain how someone touches your life in a way you cannot imagine.I knew I was not whole.I knew there were parts of me that had yet to be nourished.There was a small part of me that I felt was constantly emitting a keening sound of pain.Something i tried to ignore.But you can truly only ignore something for so long before it overwhelms you.I did not know I had reached that point yet.It was as if something held it all back and I did not know what.I touched the world and did not know that my contact affected others.Others perhaps I did not yet know nor would I ever meet them in physical form.Yet it remained.An echoing reminder I could not yet hear.

I met a woman named Ruth.Ruth I found means traditionally (As an English noun, 'ruth' means "pity; compassion" and is a synonym of mercy and sympathy.)It also means friend.Within the realm of space and unknowable things I was placed in her path.A then wounded and lost person.Though I did not yet know it myself.Looking upon her she astounds you.Her neverending compassion.Her inate ability to understand the meaning of the word community.Her intelligence and patience.Without a word she would just reach out and hold me.I resisted at first.Certain in my own strength.Ready to wipe away my emotions I did not wish to deal with.Stumbling through and hoping i suppose to come out unscathed at the other end.Lost but not broken I learned.Wounded but not unable to heal in time.Still capable of learning and finding joy.Impefect and yet only withering was I.She did not actively attempt to heal me.She did not take me to the side and counsil me.Most likely
I would have  faltered and possibly pushed back gently.Stubborn and determined to do it on my own.She listened to me.She showed me how to be a better person without a word.

To see her working so tirelessly for the betterment of others over herself.I gulped back tears sometimes when I heard the things that she did for others.When i saw those small hands laboring to get things organized as best she could.When one day she came in and asked if I wanted to go to the store with her.I did not want to go but i went because I knew i needed to get out of the house.So along we went down the road.She would speak in this excited tone when she spotted a bird.She would see a
pretty cloud in the sky and speak in a hushed tone at how lovely it was.The changing of the seasons would make her so happy.There was a tree that i walked past each day.During the spring it turned white with flowers.When we passed that she said to me is wearing it's wedding dress and I began to smile.I had not realized what a hurry i had been in until i met her.I did not realize what i had taken for granted until I met Miss Ruth.

We would go to the store and I would wander around and sometimes we crossed paths and she was teaching me even in there.I learned how to shop better because of her.But little did i know that she was paying acute attention to things that i liked.She did not say much to me but she was doing just that.Sometimes I would be deep in my computer and I would hear a knock on the door and occasionally I would let out a sigh as I did not want to be disturbed.Yet she would say in a slightly
conspiratorial tone.Come look what i did.So I would follow her to the kitchen and there piled all over the island and the table would be my favorites.Things I loved.Things I had mentioned in passing that i liked.She would find me organic eggs and organic peanut butter for me.Or piles of tomatoes.It was then that I would find myself ashamed at how i reacted.But we learn in time how to be better people don't we.

Sometimes I would go into the kitchen and find a single solitary cracker with a smidge of peanut butter on it.Sitting next to a jar of organic peanut butter.I do not know how long she spent scraping this jar to get the last of it out for me.But in this she taught me patience.She showed me determination and not to waste things.So I would have my cracker and think of her.I began to make it a point to hug her when i could.To help her with the table.To try and set things or clean up later to help her where i could.

I remember small trips to the local organic store and watching her carefully buy things for her family.Of which I was now honored to feel a part of.She welcomed me into her home and her heart.I saw her picking up things and weighing what she wanted.I remember she did not seem to have a car in the world of what other people thought of her.She was at peace and gave nothing but comfort to other people.She did her best to cheer up anyone she saw was down.Or if she saw someone sitting along she would speak to them.She is a well of comfort and love.

Moving around with her i learned these things from her.I think that maybe that was what was intended.A passive learning class so to speak.I was the pupil and i was absorbing more than i knew.
At her home she asked so little of anyone and yet did so much.She had her own room filled with positive things.Books obviously cared for.On so many topics that were of interest.Books I could have spent hours looking at.She would meditate quietly in her room a soft waft of incense permeating her room.I would knock lightly sometimes to ask her something.Although i hesitated to do so as I knew how tired she sometimes became.

We would sit sometimes and talk for hours as i slowly grew as a person.I began to see what was more important.Not so much the hurry to get from place to place but how you get there.The people you meet.The chances you get to change peoples lives with just a small smile.Perhaps offering someone an ear if they needed to talk.To do things with no expectation of payment.We had a neighbor and she had many children.She was a very loving person all her own.I did not know all that they did together but i know that their friendship was a great comfort to Miss Ruth.I know that they collaborated together and found a synergy that you do not often see.One giving to the other and in return likewise.Funny but whenever one seemed to have a need the other seemed to have the solution.

Miss Ruth made me aware of so many things in the world which led me to the Dalai Lama.This was the turning point again for me.I put his book on my MP3 player and just walk each morning and be almost on the verge of tears as i listened to him speaking and nodded the whole time in understanding.It was as if the reason for understanding manifested itself within Miss Ruth and led me to this peace that I find filling my heart each day.I am not perfect.I do still get overcome with my anger but i try to mend my ways.I see anger as something that is an easy way out and I have to try to find a better way now.

As i approached my time to leave the place i now called home I realized that no matter where I go I have my mother with me now.A woman who did not have to take me in but did.Someone who did perhaps see a late bloomer appearing before her and had the patience to wait until some of my petals unfolded.She took me in and filled my heart with joy and I will forever be grateful to her for helping me to become who I am now.When people ask me how i am the way I am i atribute it to my mother.She took something damaged and helped to heal me.She only helped guide me to where I am now.I miss being able to hold her and tell her that I love her and thank you.The most painful part for me was getting out of that van and going into the airport.

But getting on that plane has led me to the most joy I have ever experienced in my life thus far.It helped me to open up to the people in my life and share the love i now understand better.It helped me to find my soul mate.Literally Alex is my other half of my soul.He completes me in every way.When he is apart from me I miss him so much.But if it had not been for meeting the people i did like Miss Ruth I do not know that such joy would be mine to celebrate now.I had to let go of all of that anger and sadness.The disappointments in my life and the struggling to better myself.To hide my feelings and not let them show.To let go of all of this and let life show me that there is a a reason to go on with arms open.

The people in my life now are a blessing.I can name a few.My friend cynthia is an absolute joy to me with her bubbly personality and her trust in me as a friend.She is a soft kitten who i absolutely cherish,Barry with his soft kindness and intelligent advice,Christopher in new york with his coffee and brilliant personality and loyalty beyond measure,Gregory who I listen to and discover a beautiful layer underneath all of his pain,Rosidey with the light within her showing me such wonderful possibilities,Alex my neighbor who is so kind and generous and we are lucky to have him so close by,Alex's nan and mother are both sweet and accepted me right away making me feel welcome,Patricia Anne you lovely mouse,you treasure to my heart.I love you so much,Ishy for listening and talking to me.For remaining a wellspring of knowledge and common sence.For
being the beautiful person that you are.Go Lady :),Bend for being honest and to the point and always helping us when we need it,Salina who just makes me laugh and generally is a beautiful lovely woman.All of you thank you.I am certain there are more people I may have left out.Forgive me if i did not mention you but there are so many that have come into my life recently that take my breath away.

While I have a way to go still I have all of this to thank really to Miss Ruth at the beginning.Thank you so very much for accepting me.Thank you for showing me things that I needed to see and learning things I did not know.May you have joy and peace in your life.May you have a heart filled with warmth.May you know that you are loved dearly over here.I miss you with all my heart.i carry you with me every step of the way.You are a beautiful astounding human being. Namaste...My mother.

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