Friday, June 15, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Light Within Us All
What is resistance ? What is blind belief ? What is competitiveness ? What are these words that we throw around ? What do they all mean ? Do they have a purpose and a significance in our lives that perhaps we do not see or yet know ? Yes. Do they have a place and feed into and kill the light within us and we do not even know it ? Yes. Is the idea of your friend being offered the opportunity of a lifetime with large sums of money a reason to be jealous of them ? No but some will and some will feel a touch of jealousy.
Resistance is something that sparks a decided desire to make changes in a world that you may see as being slightly off kilter. Resistance could be as small as not shopping at the huge store and walking a little further to go get your food somewhere else. It could be finally taking a step in the direction you want to see the world going in. It is finally waking up and saying wait a minute, Why am I doing this ? Why do I wake up at the same time every day and do the same thing and ignore the things right in front of me ? Why do I accept this collusion of these massive companies as they erode the very foundation I believe in ? So many questions, yet I could literally write paragraphs of them. I could fill books with all of the questions I have gathered over the years. Even now I add more.
So you wake up and walk into another room and begin your daily ritual. You open the bag of or jar of or bottle of whatever you consider food to be and consume it. You most likely did not read the label. Most likely you do not know where the bottle came from or how many lives were invested in making it. How many lives helped to create this item for you. How many people slaved so that you could have this. You eat your food, have your smoothie, drink your coffee or tea or water. Then you move onto the next part of your day. Work, making money, making a future, making the lives of your family or yourself better. You do this to the extent that they have some sort of food on their plate and light to see by and warmth or a fan to heat or cool themselves. They have some clothing and toys to play with. You as an adult have your own toys to play with that you enjoy.Did it come from Pakistan, Sri Lanka, China, Russia, Mexico or some country you have not heard of. On the map if it was laid out for you to see where I wonder would these countries be. Could the average person show on a map the country where their item came from, many suprisingly could not. Can the people that produced these items for you and your family or friends feed their children healthy food and go to sleep in a semblance of a soft bed. Do they awaken and smile at their mother and know she is doing her best for them, yes I know this to be true. All over this world are mothers kissing their
sons soft cheeks before giving their food and off to..school or work. There are daughters deciding to stay home to work and help their family because some other wealthy corporation came to take what was not theirs and leave people with little to nothing. Leaving them barren and their original motherland was now stripped bare, so they go to the cities. Will the earth replenish herself in time, yes she will. But she needs to be left alone to do so. A little help would be appreciated I am
certain.
The decisions we make as a people do not just affect us and our country. They touch every nation at some point. They leave their ripples sometimes to be felt for centuries. There is a cost for everything. The despoiling of the land is something I have witnessed firsthand and through the news on the internet. Blind belief is in essence the giving up of your questioning mind. It is the allowance of submission to someone who says that they are knowledgeable. That they know this is right for you.
Most people I see are much too complacent to stand up and state what they feel. They have lost that spark. They have given it to the corporations, the institutions, the pharmaceutical industries, the politicians, the educational behemoths. They think that these things will protect, nurture, enhance, breathe life into their dreams, hopes and families. This is passivity at it's finest. Assumption at it's most obvious. Blind acceptance at the core. You turn away to get on with your life and question very little. You do what you are told and move forward into whatever future these places have in mind for you. Your children learn from you. You know this and you think you are doing the right thing.
Competitiveness is something that can be both good or bad depending on the function and the situation in which it is employed. It can lead to great thinkers and wondrous achievements. It can also lead to anger towards someone you love, who you perceive to be doing better than you. It is that itch on the palms of your hands wanting to do something, anything to get where they are. Will people do almost anything to get it, yes of course there is no end to what people will do. Can they
understand that it is something implanted into us now by the corporations to instill fear, wanting, desperation and desire. For things, things that have no sense of touch and compassion. Things that fill your house and look pretty. But do they nourish you at your core, can they hold you and talk to you, no. They give only a reflection of something shiny to catch the eye. When at the end of the day they really are meaningless things. Whether you bought it to make your son or daughter happy
for a moment. Whether you competed to make your partner proud of you, to see that look in their eye. Most of the time I see people with their heads down in their palms pressing buttons. They are blinded in so many ways.
Resistance is something that can be positive and can change things for the better. Listen to positive words and sometimes stop moving all together. Just stop and breathe. Listen to your breath and give yourself just a moment in time. There is so much joy in this world if you look around a moment. Can you see it now as it winds around you. The energy is right there and all you have to do is open yourself to it. Resist in ways that help others. Resist by reading the labels and where things
come from. Try to wrap your mind around where things come from and imagine how many people had a stake in what you consume. Think about what you are doing and save up and buy things made in the country you live in. Because in the end when you consume cheap things that cost laborious hours to produce while stripping precious metals from the earth, you are not helping the people that made it to get jobs. You take their homes and communities from them. You are better than this ! You know it and so do I. Within you is the greatest and most complex system imagined really within the confines of a human body and human potential ! Resist in small ways. You do not need as much food as you think to be healthy. Eat less but more nutrient rich foods. Think before you spend any money. Look at what you are contributing to. I do not speak from an ivory tower. I make little money as it is and yet my partner and I do this. You can do so much more than you think. You can help so many people in a passive way to have better lives. You have this power inside of you ! The light resides within yourself.
Blind belief is something that can be changed also. Remove the blinders from accepting things as they are. Take control and power over your life and your education. Question everything ! There is no better way to lead the way for your children to follow. I know money is tight. I know that things are difficult. But let us think and consider this. Most people have time to spend on facebook or playing a game. I hear but I do not have any time. Yes, you do. You just need to be more aware of it
all. If you have time for a movie then why not start making some bread for yourself. Mix it up and set it to rise and walk away and watch the movie. Set a timer and make your bread. Then when it goes off pause the movie and knead the dough and put it into he tins and then preheat the oven and bake your bread and go back to your movie. Small interruptions yes..but worth it. You just made your own bread and you will know the difference. Anything is possible to achieve if you think of what time you are spending. Do not allow these corporations the power to make you think that you cannot complete things on your own without their help. You can.
Competitiveness is another thing that can lead to better things. It all depends on how it is used. Can you use it to better your life and the whole world as a community, yes ! yes ! yes ! You are a part of a whole breathing beautiful thing that grows and lives and pulses with energy. Things are much more simple than they seem. You are right now, in this moment and then it will pass and another will come. Every single day is a chance to make a difference a change however small it may seem. Every day is a chance to connect with people and tell them that you love them. What they mean to you. If you can go see them. If you cannot then go write to them. Whatever it takes do what you need to do. All will happen as it is supposed to. Stop being so stressed out. Stop caring if you have the latest product, labeled fashion, the best new chip flavor and so on. Those things mean nothing when compared to a smile from your child. When it is compared to taking a walk and maybe planting a tree and teaching your child things about where oxygen and wood comes from and why and how. You may learn things you did not know in the process. Connect with your children and let them know that you love them through words and deeds and not things. They do not need things. They need you. They need love and attention and books and walks and understanding.
There is no past in your life that can make any difference now. There is not future that you can really change. But there is the now and that matters. Live in the now. Teach your children by example you are their god in many respects. Remember the light in good music and turn your back on anger and hateful messages. There is no need to be so undressed and angry and full of disturbing images. Some artists bring the light even if they are no longer with us. Look to the light and be of the light. Learn compassionate will and loving responses. Read a little more and in time you will find most of these questions will no longer plague you. Consider others when you make a choice and you will find the true spirit that resides within you.
Resistance is something that sparks a decided desire to make changes in a world that you may see as being slightly off kilter. Resistance could be as small as not shopping at the huge store and walking a little further to go get your food somewhere else. It could be finally taking a step in the direction you want to see the world going in. It is finally waking up and saying wait a minute, Why am I doing this ? Why do I wake up at the same time every day and do the same thing and ignore the things right in front of me ? Why do I accept this collusion of these massive companies as they erode the very foundation I believe in ? So many questions, yet I could literally write paragraphs of them. I could fill books with all of the questions I have gathered over the years. Even now I add more.
So you wake up and walk into another room and begin your daily ritual. You open the bag of or jar of or bottle of whatever you consider food to be and consume it. You most likely did not read the label. Most likely you do not know where the bottle came from or how many lives were invested in making it. How many lives helped to create this item for you. How many people slaved so that you could have this. You eat your food, have your smoothie, drink your coffee or tea or water. Then you move onto the next part of your day. Work, making money, making a future, making the lives of your family or yourself better. You do this to the extent that they have some sort of food on their plate and light to see by and warmth or a fan to heat or cool themselves. They have some clothing and toys to play with. You as an adult have your own toys to play with that you enjoy.Did it come from Pakistan, Sri Lanka, China, Russia, Mexico or some country you have not heard of. On the map if it was laid out for you to see where I wonder would these countries be. Could the average person show on a map the country where their item came from, many suprisingly could not. Can the people that produced these items for you and your family or friends feed their children healthy food and go to sleep in a semblance of a soft bed. Do they awaken and smile at their mother and know she is doing her best for them, yes I know this to be true. All over this world are mothers kissing their
sons soft cheeks before giving their food and off to..school or work. There are daughters deciding to stay home to work and help their family because some other wealthy corporation came to take what was not theirs and leave people with little to nothing. Leaving them barren and their original motherland was now stripped bare, so they go to the cities. Will the earth replenish herself in time, yes she will. But she needs to be left alone to do so. A little help would be appreciated I am
certain.
The decisions we make as a people do not just affect us and our country. They touch every nation at some point. They leave their ripples sometimes to be felt for centuries. There is a cost for everything. The despoiling of the land is something I have witnessed firsthand and through the news on the internet. Blind belief is in essence the giving up of your questioning mind. It is the allowance of submission to someone who says that they are knowledgeable. That they know this is right for you.
Most people I see are much too complacent to stand up and state what they feel. They have lost that spark. They have given it to the corporations, the institutions, the pharmaceutical industries, the politicians, the educational behemoths. They think that these things will protect, nurture, enhance, breathe life into their dreams, hopes and families. This is passivity at it's finest. Assumption at it's most obvious. Blind acceptance at the core. You turn away to get on with your life and question very little. You do what you are told and move forward into whatever future these places have in mind for you. Your children learn from you. You know this and you think you are doing the right thing.
Competitiveness is something that can be both good or bad depending on the function and the situation in which it is employed. It can lead to great thinkers and wondrous achievements. It can also lead to anger towards someone you love, who you perceive to be doing better than you. It is that itch on the palms of your hands wanting to do something, anything to get where they are. Will people do almost anything to get it, yes of course there is no end to what people will do. Can they
understand that it is something implanted into us now by the corporations to instill fear, wanting, desperation and desire. For things, things that have no sense of touch and compassion. Things that fill your house and look pretty. But do they nourish you at your core, can they hold you and talk to you, no. They give only a reflection of something shiny to catch the eye. When at the end of the day they really are meaningless things. Whether you bought it to make your son or daughter happy
for a moment. Whether you competed to make your partner proud of you, to see that look in their eye. Most of the time I see people with their heads down in their palms pressing buttons. They are blinded in so many ways.
Resistance is something that can be positive and can change things for the better. Listen to positive words and sometimes stop moving all together. Just stop and breathe. Listen to your breath and give yourself just a moment in time. There is so much joy in this world if you look around a moment. Can you see it now as it winds around you. The energy is right there and all you have to do is open yourself to it. Resist in ways that help others. Resist by reading the labels and where things
come from. Try to wrap your mind around where things come from and imagine how many people had a stake in what you consume. Think about what you are doing and save up and buy things made in the country you live in. Because in the end when you consume cheap things that cost laborious hours to produce while stripping precious metals from the earth, you are not helping the people that made it to get jobs. You take their homes and communities from them. You are better than this ! You know it and so do I. Within you is the greatest and most complex system imagined really within the confines of a human body and human potential ! Resist in small ways. You do not need as much food as you think to be healthy. Eat less but more nutrient rich foods. Think before you spend any money. Look at what you are contributing to. I do not speak from an ivory tower. I make little money as it is and yet my partner and I do this. You can do so much more than you think. You can help so many people in a passive way to have better lives. You have this power inside of you ! The light resides within yourself.
Blind belief is something that can be changed also. Remove the blinders from accepting things as they are. Take control and power over your life and your education. Question everything ! There is no better way to lead the way for your children to follow. I know money is tight. I know that things are difficult. But let us think and consider this. Most people have time to spend on facebook or playing a game. I hear but I do not have any time. Yes, you do. You just need to be more aware of it
all. If you have time for a movie then why not start making some bread for yourself. Mix it up and set it to rise and walk away and watch the movie. Set a timer and make your bread. Then when it goes off pause the movie and knead the dough and put it into he tins and then preheat the oven and bake your bread and go back to your movie. Small interruptions yes..but worth it. You just made your own bread and you will know the difference. Anything is possible to achieve if you think of what time you are spending. Do not allow these corporations the power to make you think that you cannot complete things on your own without their help. You can.
Competitiveness is another thing that can lead to better things. It all depends on how it is used. Can you use it to better your life and the whole world as a community, yes ! yes ! yes ! You are a part of a whole breathing beautiful thing that grows and lives and pulses with energy. Things are much more simple than they seem. You are right now, in this moment and then it will pass and another will come. Every single day is a chance to make a difference a change however small it may seem. Every day is a chance to connect with people and tell them that you love them. What they mean to you. If you can go see them. If you cannot then go write to them. Whatever it takes do what you need to do. All will happen as it is supposed to. Stop being so stressed out. Stop caring if you have the latest product, labeled fashion, the best new chip flavor and so on. Those things mean nothing when compared to a smile from your child. When it is compared to taking a walk and maybe planting a tree and teaching your child things about where oxygen and wood comes from and why and how. You may learn things you did not know in the process. Connect with your children and let them know that you love them through words and deeds and not things. They do not need things. They need you. They need love and attention and books and walks and understanding.
There is no past in your life that can make any difference now. There is not future that you can really change. But there is the now and that matters. Live in the now. Teach your children by example you are their god in many respects. Remember the light in good music and turn your back on anger and hateful messages. There is no need to be so undressed and angry and full of disturbing images. Some artists bring the light even if they are no longer with us. Look to the light and be of the light. Learn compassionate will and loving responses. Read a little more and in time you will find most of these questions will no longer plague you. Consider others when you make a choice and you will find the true spirit that resides within you.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
My Journey To Veganism
Gentle persuasion is something I try very hard to stick to. It is something I desire to hold onto and keep it close to me as I wander through life seeing things that make me cringe. I will tell you that i am quite passionate about things I see as unfair or hurtful. I like to think of myself as the superwoman in a special suit that can come to the aid of those that I see suffering needlessly. Someone to put up a gentle but firm arm in between those things I see as being the cause of harm and those about to be harmed.
One of those things that I believe in firmly is being vegan. Yes I know I am sure there are some people that have had bad experiences with vegans. But know that I try to offer people the opportunity to experience what the food is like. I try my best to reinforce the experience with something positive. Am I perfect? No. Have I offended people? I am pretty sure I did with the vehemence in my voice and cause. Even though my voice remained calm at the time. I do have strong feelings.
I began in January as a vegetarian. We consumed Milk and Eggs and Cheese and Butter and yogurt and anything but the flesh of animals. I thought things were going along rather well. But my boyfriend Alexi made his feelings known to me. I respect his feelings above almost anyones and so I listened to him. I said well I cannot just go vegan like that *Imagine a finger snapping in the air* Yet he really believed in this and while I was not ready for it, I went ahead with it. I walked and most likely stomped up to my neighbors flat and knocked on his door. I tried with a calm voice to explain to him that we had some food for him. Was I happy in this moment? Not even close. But he came down and I methodically went through everything to see what we could have and by the time I was finished my neighbor had several bags of food.
The whole time I sat in my chair with an occasional glare at Alexi. I was not a happy camper but I remained silent. Our neighbor who is a lovely man left with the food and I had a calm talk with Alexi. See I cannot take yelling or being yelled at. It hurts me.So I told him that I was not happy and what would we be eating? I think a typical question for anyone that wonders what vegans eat. I felt lost to be truthful. So I told him if we are going to be vegan I had to have some things that did not change.
1. Hot Tea or coffee with cream in it.
2. Toast with butter.
Honestly those were big deals for me. He duly wrote down on a list the things that I needed and then put his notebook away. I took care of him and he held me that night as I think I still grumbled a bit. When we woke up I made him what I could. See I have always had quite a bit of pride in my cooking skills. I grew up in a house where my mother shooed me out of the kitchen and did not teach me anything. So here I was basically starting over. I was just lost..so throughout that day I did some research on the internet and later that night when Alexi came home he brought home soy milk and hemp milk and some dairy free butter spread and bread and fruits and tomatoes. The next morning he made breakfast. I was handed tea that tasted exactly the same as I remembered. He had purchased also single cream soy milk. The toast was a bit lighter than I was used to but I ate it slowly trying to get used to the taste.
He left for work and I tried my hand at my first vegan recipe and I found out that it was delicious. Here I was slowly over time working with ingredients I had never even heard of. Some i recognized but had never had before. So I had tofu, tahini, all these new herbs I had never head of.
The first thing I did was walked into the kitchen and grabbed a scone mix. I checked to make sure I could use it and jumped up for joy when I found that I could. I got the cocoa powder and some dried apricots and some ginger pieces and some almonds and some California seedless raisins. I mixed in some apple juice instead of the egg and then the required water and made my first vegan dish. I checked on the oven scared they might burn and they didn't. I was being a bit silly. When I took them out I looked at them sniffing them a bit apprehensive. Then I tried one and it was good. I would have jumped for joy if I could have. So I put them in a bowl in the microwave and waited until Alexi got home.
Now every night I run him a bath and make him a cup of tea and set up a candle and some incense and sometimes I make a dessert. I spoil him but he works so incredibly hard. He deserves it and I would do anything for him. Making him smile is a joy I look forward to. He loved them ! That made me so happy. This being the first recipe I did not write it down. But I fixed this from now on.
My next experiment was this one. *Points Down*
¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬
This recipe feeds myself and then a full lunch for my boyfriend. You will need.
2-3 Large potatoes.(Any color you like)
1/2 cup of onions (I usually use frozen)
1/2 cup of bell peppers(I use frozen that I cut up myself)
1/2 cup of any other veggies you may like.I recommend tomatoes,leeks,mushrooms,carrots,peas.Usually anything you have handy.
Half a cup to a full cup of pressed tofu pieces. You can usually find them in your dairy section and sometimes in the frozen section.
1 Heaping tablespoon of turmeric
Enough fresh ginger that when cut up fills your palm heaping.
Two garlic cloves
Salt and pepper to taste.
Now I usually begin by cutting up my potatoes into cubes and wait until the water in the pot is almost boiling. You can check them by pulling one out and testing it. You only want them about halfway cooked no more. Then on the other burner you put in some hemp,olive,sunflower oil...whichever you prefer. Enough to cover the bottom of the pan. Then put a lid over it and cut up your ginger and garlic. Once you have that you put it into the hot oil with the onions and peppers and whatever other vegetable you picked out. Cover on high for about five minutes then turn it down to medium low or setting 3 on your hob.
Then stir it and watch it cooking.Make sure it does not burn. Then stir in the turmeric salt and pepper. Cook until slightly all dente. Or a little more if that is what you like. Put it on a separate plate.
The potatoes once they are halfway done drain them and set aside. Then put a little more oil in the pan and once hot on high again toss in the potatoes and cook until crispy and golden.
At this point your potatoes will look exactly how you like them. Then toss in the tofu and the vegetables you just cooked. Mix well. Serve hot with a cut up tomato on the side or some greens etc.
This is my favorite dish right now. I hope you like it !
¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬
Well once I made this I was hooked. It was more of an experiment in the kitchen after this. Since then I have learned of the practices in the animal industry and have felt so sad. There is a difference since I learned all of this. When I go shopping and I see people and their carts full of meat and cheese and eggs and milk.. I know that they are doing themselves a disservice. Once you know the information it is impossible not to unlearn it. So you find yourself biting your tongue when you see people doing these things. When you see them not reading labels. I cringe when I see people doing there things and I have to hold back from saying anything. It is as if I have been instilled with this need to help my fellow man. I want to help them. I want them to live healthy lives and help all of these millions of animals that suffer needlessly.
My friends, bless them know how vehemently I feel about all of this. They know and they listen to me patiently. Some of them are trying to make changes and I feel good. But at night when Alexi is home I ask him. Am I doing the right thing when I tell them? Do you think they resent me? Do you think they wish I would just shut up so they could go on with their lives and not think about these things? Do they understand that I really sincerely care about them and I want them to live as long as possible and be healthy? Do they know that all this pain I am living in only strengthens my will to try and give other people a better life? I am not pompous, nor a know it all. I am always learning more. Every day.
Some people I think just listen and move on in their life. If I manage to plant a seed in one friend and help them then good. I do not watch animal cruelty videos because it is fun for me. I do not watch it because it makes me feel good. But it is knowledge. It is a perspective. It cannot and should not be ignored. So I share these things with my friends and I hope one day that people will stop.
I hope for a world where there is no more animal product consumption.
This is a list of animal products. When you read all the things they make out of animals you may feel sick. You may recognize some of these ingredients as items that are in your own products. Products that you might use every day.
http://www.peta2.com/STUFF/s-AnimalIngredientsList.asp
Now PETA is a good source of information. But I am not some enormous blind follower of them. Every group has it's issues. I am not trying to pass judgment.
Now are there some people on this planet that cannot be vegan? Yes I think so. Some of the tribes that live up towards the Arctic circle are limited on the things they can eat. So would i force them onto a vegan diet? No of course not. For the man who live in a rural part of the world that cannot afford to feed his family and is getting no help. Say he goes out and shoots some rabbits to feed his children. Am I going to go down there and preach to him about how wrong he is? No of course not. There are exceptions to almost any thing in this world really.
Some of the biggest arguments that I hear is this.
1. Being vegan is expensive - No actually if you think about it buying a bag of chickpeas some bulk herbs and some oil combined with some rice, potatoes or pasta and bags of frozen veggies are actually much cheaper than meat cheese eggs and milk.
2. Being vegan is hard - No not really. It is a change. That is the hard part. Adapting is the eventuality if you are determined. IF you need help then I do have a vegan beginners group on facebook. Here is the link http://www.facebook.com/groups/310251979023374/ You can ask me to join and I am happy to offer you help.
3.But meat tastes so good - no not really. It is a texture you have grown used to. Most people do not just put meat in a pan and cook it and eat it. They cook it with spices and cover it in gravies or marinades etc. You can do the same thing with tofu and it has a large portion of protein in it. If you have any doubts. Watch this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNCGkprGW_o They name Americans quite a bit but this is also true for people in any modern industrialized country.
http://www.readersdigest.co.uk/fruits-of-hot-climes/fast-food-facts-effects-and-health-risks-of-a-junk-food-diet/html Talks about the UK.
4. Animals do not feel pain. What about free range?
Farm to Fridge - The Truth Behind Meat Production
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THIODWTqx5E
Earthlings http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ky4RGYva90E&feature=fvst
I am quite sorry to show you these. But the screams these sentient beings make haunt me. They stay with me. I suffer with pain every day of my life. How can I possibly justify causing millions more animals to suffer without trying to help them? I just cannot do it. If you tell me I cannot watch this because it is painful. I will tell you again. Imagine how painful it is for them. I beg you to reconsider your habits please.
Please Reconsider Your Choices..
One of those things that I believe in firmly is being vegan. Yes I know I am sure there are some people that have had bad experiences with vegans. But know that I try to offer people the opportunity to experience what the food is like. I try my best to reinforce the experience with something positive. Am I perfect? No. Have I offended people? I am pretty sure I did with the vehemence in my voice and cause. Even though my voice remained calm at the time. I do have strong feelings.
I began in January as a vegetarian. We consumed Milk and Eggs and Cheese and Butter and yogurt and anything but the flesh of animals. I thought things were going along rather well. But my boyfriend Alexi made his feelings known to me. I respect his feelings above almost anyones and so I listened to him. I said well I cannot just go vegan like that *Imagine a finger snapping in the air* Yet he really believed in this and while I was not ready for it, I went ahead with it. I walked and most likely stomped up to my neighbors flat and knocked on his door. I tried with a calm voice to explain to him that we had some food for him. Was I happy in this moment? Not even close. But he came down and I methodically went through everything to see what we could have and by the time I was finished my neighbor had several bags of food.
The whole time I sat in my chair with an occasional glare at Alexi. I was not a happy camper but I remained silent. Our neighbor who is a lovely man left with the food and I had a calm talk with Alexi. See I cannot take yelling or being yelled at. It hurts me.So I told him that I was not happy and what would we be eating? I think a typical question for anyone that wonders what vegans eat. I felt lost to be truthful. So I told him if we are going to be vegan I had to have some things that did not change.
1. Hot Tea or coffee with cream in it.
2. Toast with butter.
Honestly those were big deals for me. He duly wrote down on a list the things that I needed and then put his notebook away. I took care of him and he held me that night as I think I still grumbled a bit. When we woke up I made him what I could. See I have always had quite a bit of pride in my cooking skills. I grew up in a house where my mother shooed me out of the kitchen and did not teach me anything. So here I was basically starting over. I was just lost..so throughout that day I did some research on the internet and later that night when Alexi came home he brought home soy milk and hemp milk and some dairy free butter spread and bread and fruits and tomatoes. The next morning he made breakfast. I was handed tea that tasted exactly the same as I remembered. He had purchased also single cream soy milk. The toast was a bit lighter than I was used to but I ate it slowly trying to get used to the taste.
He left for work and I tried my hand at my first vegan recipe and I found out that it was delicious. Here I was slowly over time working with ingredients I had never even heard of. Some i recognized but had never had before. So I had tofu, tahini, all these new herbs I had never head of.
The first thing I did was walked into the kitchen and grabbed a scone mix. I checked to make sure I could use it and jumped up for joy when I found that I could. I got the cocoa powder and some dried apricots and some ginger pieces and some almonds and some California seedless raisins. I mixed in some apple juice instead of the egg and then the required water and made my first vegan dish. I checked on the oven scared they might burn and they didn't. I was being a bit silly. When I took them out I looked at them sniffing them a bit apprehensive. Then I tried one and it was good. I would have jumped for joy if I could have. So I put them in a bowl in the microwave and waited until Alexi got home.
Now every night I run him a bath and make him a cup of tea and set up a candle and some incense and sometimes I make a dessert. I spoil him but he works so incredibly hard. He deserves it and I would do anything for him. Making him smile is a joy I look forward to. He loved them ! That made me so happy. This being the first recipe I did not write it down. But I fixed this from now on.
My next experiment was this one. *Points Down*
¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬
This recipe feeds myself and then a full lunch for my boyfriend. You will need.
2-3 Large potatoes.(Any color you like)
1/2 cup of onions (I usually use frozen)
1/2 cup of bell peppers(I use frozen that I cut up myself)
1/2 cup of any other veggies you may like.I recommend tomatoes,leeks,mushrooms,carrots,peas.Usually anything you have handy.
Half a cup to a full cup of pressed tofu pieces. You can usually find them in your dairy section and sometimes in the frozen section.
1 Heaping tablespoon of turmeric
Enough fresh ginger that when cut up fills your palm heaping.
Two garlic cloves
Salt and pepper to taste.
Now I usually begin by cutting up my potatoes into cubes and wait until the water in the pot is almost boiling. You can check them by pulling one out and testing it. You only want them about halfway cooked no more. Then on the other burner you put in some hemp,olive,sunflower oil...whichever you prefer. Enough to cover the bottom of the pan. Then put a lid over it and cut up your ginger and garlic. Once you have that you put it into the hot oil with the onions and peppers and whatever other vegetable you picked out. Cover on high for about five minutes then turn it down to medium low or setting 3 on your hob.
Then stir it and watch it cooking.Make sure it does not burn. Then stir in the turmeric salt and pepper. Cook until slightly all dente. Or a little more if that is what you like. Put it on a separate plate.
The potatoes once they are halfway done drain them and set aside. Then put a little more oil in the pan and once hot on high again toss in the potatoes and cook until crispy and golden.
At this point your potatoes will look exactly how you like them. Then toss in the tofu and the vegetables you just cooked. Mix well. Serve hot with a cut up tomato on the side or some greens etc.
This is my favorite dish right now. I hope you like it !
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Well once I made this I was hooked. It was more of an experiment in the kitchen after this. Since then I have learned of the practices in the animal industry and have felt so sad. There is a difference since I learned all of this. When I go shopping and I see people and their carts full of meat and cheese and eggs and milk.. I know that they are doing themselves a disservice. Once you know the information it is impossible not to unlearn it. So you find yourself biting your tongue when you see people doing these things. When you see them not reading labels. I cringe when I see people doing there things and I have to hold back from saying anything. It is as if I have been instilled with this need to help my fellow man. I want to help them. I want them to live healthy lives and help all of these millions of animals that suffer needlessly.
My friends, bless them know how vehemently I feel about all of this. They know and they listen to me patiently. Some of them are trying to make changes and I feel good. But at night when Alexi is home I ask him. Am I doing the right thing when I tell them? Do you think they resent me? Do you think they wish I would just shut up so they could go on with their lives and not think about these things? Do they understand that I really sincerely care about them and I want them to live as long as possible and be healthy? Do they know that all this pain I am living in only strengthens my will to try and give other people a better life? I am not pompous, nor a know it all. I am always learning more. Every day.
Some people I think just listen and move on in their life. If I manage to plant a seed in one friend and help them then good. I do not watch animal cruelty videos because it is fun for me. I do not watch it because it makes me feel good. But it is knowledge. It is a perspective. It cannot and should not be ignored. So I share these things with my friends and I hope one day that people will stop.
I hope for a world where there is no more animal product consumption.
This is a list of animal products. When you read all the things they make out of animals you may feel sick. You may recognize some of these ingredients as items that are in your own products. Products that you might use every day.
http://www.peta2.com/STUFF/s-AnimalIngredientsList.asp
Now PETA is a good source of information. But I am not some enormous blind follower of them. Every group has it's issues. I am not trying to pass judgment.
Now are there some people on this planet that cannot be vegan? Yes I think so. Some of the tribes that live up towards the Arctic circle are limited on the things they can eat. So would i force them onto a vegan diet? No of course not. For the man who live in a rural part of the world that cannot afford to feed his family and is getting no help. Say he goes out and shoots some rabbits to feed his children. Am I going to go down there and preach to him about how wrong he is? No of course not. There are exceptions to almost any thing in this world really.
Some of the biggest arguments that I hear is this.
1. Being vegan is expensive - No actually if you think about it buying a bag of chickpeas some bulk herbs and some oil combined with some rice, potatoes or pasta and bags of frozen veggies are actually much cheaper than meat cheese eggs and milk.
2. Being vegan is hard - No not really. It is a change. That is the hard part. Adapting is the eventuality if you are determined. IF you need help then I do have a vegan beginners group on facebook. Here is the link http://www.facebook.com/groups/310251979023374/ You can ask me to join and I am happy to offer you help.
3.But meat tastes so good - no not really. It is a texture you have grown used to. Most people do not just put meat in a pan and cook it and eat it. They cook it with spices and cover it in gravies or marinades etc. You can do the same thing with tofu and it has a large portion of protein in it. If you have any doubts. Watch this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNCGkprGW_o They name Americans quite a bit but this is also true for people in any modern industrialized country.
http://www.readersdigest.co.uk/fruits-of-hot-climes/fast-food-facts-effects-and-health-risks-of-a-junk-food-diet/html Talks about the UK.
4. Animals do not feel pain. What about free range?
Farm to Fridge - The Truth Behind Meat Production
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THIODWTqx5E
Earthlings http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ky4RGYva90E&feature=fvst
I am quite sorry to show you these. But the screams these sentient beings make haunt me. They stay with me. I suffer with pain every day of my life. How can I possibly justify causing millions more animals to suffer without trying to help them? I just cannot do it. If you tell me I cannot watch this because it is painful. I will tell you again. Imagine how painful it is for them. I beg you to reconsider your habits please.
Please Reconsider Your Choices..
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Being
All these beautiful things that we see from day to day.From a slight
speck of dust upon a petal of a small flower struggling for sunlight in
the misty dawn. It struggles and sometimes we do not see it. But all
around us are stories that we do not see. We are part of a timeless
moment..something that touches us all and yet we do not always see
it.Nor are we always aware of its loving touch. Attempting to guide us
down a path in our growth of spirit. There is such beautiful joy in
these moments when we finally open our eyes and see beyond our own small
existence. When we see beyond the small wanderings that become day to
day monotony among our peers..or so we think they are. Yet within each
of them is a story of lost passion of forgotten interests. Things that
sparked within them and then sometimes blossomed and struggled to life
and became more than we could have imagined in the first place. Then
there are those whose struggle did not light up like a small flame to
fan that gray creativity in our spirits. Among us lay these realms
that we do not see and yet we are not blind to them ..not really. We
could see them if we cleared our eyes of the fog of consuming things
that do not matter. Making sure that we are stationed in a particular
place to watch pixilated movements upon a screen that lack that spark.
That drain from us that which makes us such noble creatures of light.
That soul that we garner sometimes becomes more.
There is a greatness within everyone..within everything..predestined is
how i see it. There is a joy to behold in a simple walk and looking out
onto the horizon. Do not let yourself become numb and blinded by
miniscule things that matter not. Do not let your eyes and desire become
foggy by the repetitive motions of others that have become blinded to
the daily routine and not open to anything.But seeing you attempt to fly
and catching you before you fall. You were not going to fall You were
about to become grace incarnate...you were taking those steps to leap up
and out towards your dreams streaming in front of you. You can see
them...breathe them in and let life flow within.Let nothing hold you
back. Listen not to the daily diatribes of beings too cluttered with
decay to know true life when they see it. They are shackled with chains
of conformity and destined to be nothing but a figurehead on a
beast.Sucking life from us until we are diseased.
Look up into the sky and notice the spiraling love and beauty to be
found there. That universal light is inside of you if you can only open
your eyes to see it. You are capable of things.You can help those
falling and lift them up.Instead of gathering with people you think to
be friends and join in their suffering. Take a chance and let yourself
fly..help the wounded and comfort those sick of the world. Sometimes a
hand held out can help one from dying.Your choices can remove suffering
from those people.
The life you have been given is precious and you must rise to the
position that you were meant for. Do not cloud yourself with television
as it sucks your attention and potential like it was drinking your very
light.Do not dull yourself with drinks day after day. Covering yourself
in fabric that somehow has meaning simply because it bears a name of
someone that has done nothing for you or this world save simply taking
your money.Do not witness suffering in what you consume and allow it to
continue. Simply because something has always been done a certain
way..painted with a brush ..making strokes that you know does not make
it right nor something that is sustainable.The only way it remains alive
is through you giving it a part of yourself.
The amazing thing is this when you look to the ghosts of your past you
know what you have done and what you should have done. Do not hang your
head in defeat. Let yourself shine and look forward knowing what you now
know and be at peace.There is always a new day to wake up to and try
again to connect with yourself,with this world,with the people in
it,with your kindness,with a chance you did take. Not turning away once
and instead lending a hand.
You are so small in this world and in this universe and yet you are in a
world where there are many paths that can be taken and you pick
one..this does not mean that you cannot change. This does not mean you
cannot break free. This does not mean that you are something to be
ashamed of. You can change this.You have this amazing power and you can
use it. You have the power to stand and say No! I will not be another
cog in the machine. I will be free and there will be love in this world
not blind acceptance. I will be strong for those that cannot be. I will
see the good in others and bring it out of them.I will help those
trembling inside to take that tentative step forward.I will be the
divine being I am and have always been. I can make a change and forge
love and beauty and divinity into this world.
We are not dying..we will never go into that night peacefully. We will
stand for what is right. The blind can see. The sick can be healed and
there can be such changes in this world that nobody will understand at
first but we are awakening.We cannot sit and wither into this earth and
accept our chains.. we are free beings. We are love. We are divine and
we will conquer the apathy,the hatred,the unconscionable,the tragic,the
fear, and the pain.
We will and we can...take my hand and let me help show you the way.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Facial Lines and Their Stories
Let me tell you a little something about the author if i may. She is a bit of a recluse but once meeting
people she opens up and is quite genial. There may be emotions crossing her face at times and sometimes it is pain. In fact quite often it is pain. Mainly physical pain for which she is thankful to be able to manage thanks to her local GP. But it does weigh heavily on her at times. Having to put on a brave face.
But then don't we all do this upon leaving the house? We develop our walls of protection called a mask by some and by others a charming smile. Reading ancient history books I have found that this look is oftentimes that of a courtier. One of charm and civility and underneath lurking so many hidden things.
Now upon looking at anyones face you can see the tell tale signs of roads they have traveled upon
lightly, some carefree explorations and some trepidations although they might just do it again if given a chance. Some wear the hardships of the world upon their face. Within the furrows of their brows can be seen either the close inspection of life whereupon they examined it with intrigue or curiosity. Other times those furrows could indicate pain and a life filled with many toils.
Some people seem to lighten up at the appearance of someone that crosses their path because they know them and love them. Sometimes they are just having a good day and somehow cannot hide this happiness or contentment from the world and it shines through. I imagine being a guard at the palace where I traditionally am not supposed to show any emotional response. How hard that must be to stand there if you have just heard some delightful news. Perhaps your wife had your child. Perhaps you even held the baby in your arms and finally recognized a tiny piece of the universe you are now creating and growing and your line ..your history right before your eyes. Perhaps you just learned that someone close to you is terminally ill. All so many things that you could be feeling and yet stand you must. Upright and gallant even. Straightforward and stiff. The stiff upper lip i think.
Sometimes walking down the street I see children passing and on their faces seems a difficulty in hiding their feelings. But then they have not had enough occasions to have to learn the fine art of concealing one's feelings. They are free to show childlike delight at simple things. They wander in their own world and we generally as adults let them. We give them that freedom. Do we do it out of love? Knowingly? Do we do it perhaps because we know as adults how hard it can be.To have the freedom to just love and enjoy things should be a right. Maybe we as adults know this.
I think it should be a right. I think as human beings we should not be afraid to show childish delight at the raindrops as they fall. At the sunlight streaming through the windows of our homes. To see that ray of light hitting upon the shining fur of our well loved pets. To see their eyes look at us and know that they are our companions and smile because of it. To have those that posses our hearts walk through the doorway and our whole faces light up and sometimes we jump up into their arms and kiss them. Suddenly the world narrowing to a point where all you see is them.
To love, to share joys, to cling together during hardships. To kiss our wounds or wounded loved ones. To touch and attempt to heal with this. To hug one another. To skip along the road or dance to a song. Expressing with fingertips and hips and bodies made of lightness of being. As we try to describe without bodies what the sounds confer to us. What gifts they have given to us. To share all of these things.. all and anything that feels and shows emotions we have a right to it. If you are angry of course express it and try ..try hard to not let it overtake you. Try to direct it towards resolution. Yes I know that can be difficult at times. Yes I know how hard it can be to forgive but you should. Perhaps you cannot forget and maybe that is a good thing. So you can remember and be prepared should whatever it is show up again.
But never allow anger to own you. Never allow it to leave it's mark upon your beautiful soul. For you whoever you are reading this have a beautiful soul. In there is this amazing gift. The gift to forgive and learn and smile and find joy and grow and champion a cause. To shelter the weak from the brutalities of this world. To see with your eyes what others try and hide. Perhaps it is a hurt? IF you can see it maybe you can find a bandage to help them. We all of us.. ALL OF US... have the power to change this world. We have a chance while we breathe air to send out feelers. Sometimes we may feel pain. Sometimes we may find a joy beyond compare. Sometimes we may discover a beautiful side to someone we called friend.
These lines on our faces.This author used to fight them. She used to think that there was nothing to smile about. That all that was left to her was dissolution and pain. She thought she would die alone. She was so wrong. Her life has been filled with gifts beyond compare. She has found comforts she never knew existed. Let alone be worthy of receiving. She has an expanse of amazing life standing there in front of her. So now she wears her wrinkles with pride. She is getting laugh lines. They are there! It is exciting. She has reasons to laugh now and smile. She awakens to a beautiful new world every day and is so incredibly thankful for all of it.
So my advice to you is this. Let the world in a little bit. Smile at a random stranger even if they think
you are a loony bird. *laughs* Do it anyway. Share the joy that is life! Share the bliss that is just
breathing sometimes. Sometimes when you eat say a quiet thank you. Thank the waiter. If you can manage it wander back towards the kitchen and say thank you to the staff. They may think you mad but do it anyway. Whenever you see a cashier and she looks stressed out tell her something kind and nice about herself. Validate people and show them how you see them. Never forget to say thank you to people most forget. Write a letter, pick up the phone but whatever you do...do it with love and compassion. Thank you for reading.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Dancing and The Music in the realm called obscurity.
Dancing to music is one of the most freeing experiences of our lives. The moves can signify so many things inside of ourselves. It can be the teleportation of pain to somewhere else for a moment while flinging our cares away. It can be a moment in time that we meet our loves,whoever they may be. We find freedoms we never knew we had in todays world of conformity. We find our
soulmates in the songs,singing of our own agony and pain and suffering. We turn to them and listen to them.
Dancing has been a balm and a torment to me. I admit it out loud here. I have an injury that impedes my movement. So when I move to attempt to dance I find my movements hindered. I find i cannot move to show supplication to the sounds that comfort and inspire me. It tears me apart inside when i find i cannot dance like i used to. It also has inspired me to write and in my writings I find I can
still confer a certain degree of feelings,emotion and passion to the songs that I believe deserve their homage paid to them.
Watching dancers move whatever their genre is inspiring. It shows beautiful creatures moving in ways we only imagine. It shows them folding backwards with a simple movement of their arms showing disdain and submission. It is so beautiful to behold. Within their moves are hidden
sensuality. I find myself in many of them even if they are in another country and during a different time. Watching them I find communal commonality. They move and bleed silent cruor tears filled with their own longing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Inld-zDad0c&feature=related (it would not let me upload this so i inserted it here.It is Cities in dust by the ever present Siouxsie Sioux
So they picked the careeer to display this to the world.The feelings I succumb to when listening to songs are amazing. Like a rainbow of affection, agitation, sorrow, sympathy, despondency, perturbation, concern, desire, inspiration, drive, ecstasy, elation, empathy, excitability, satisfaction, fervor, grief, happiness, joy, love, melancholy, rage, remorse, sadness, and sometimes even shame.
It is a fantastic climax of all of these things that keep us coming back for more. We sit or stand move or do not dare to for fear of embarrassment. Which is silly you should just dance and not care.Close your eyes and find your own space of freedom. You should hold your hands up to the sky and thank whatever god you believe in for such a gift as this. This..this amazing gift of freedom. The
fantastic guide for our souls. The gentle pouring of rain over our parched quintessence. Desperate for a drink of compassion, for a draught of feeling. To watch and know that we are not alone.
For too many years I have watched things change. I know that we idolize our musicians and think that they must be made from some seperate mold. Something different than where we came from. Not true at all. They have their own feelings and emotional catastrophies. Yet they step on stage and go on. The rape of the gift to me is the studio executives and the money behind it all. They place upon the stage beautiful looking beings that cannot convey our souls sustenence.They are mere pretty shells designed by thecorporate media and so many do not even question them.
They have not the ear anymore for beautiful music sung from the soul. Some of the most amazing and breathtaking songs were sung by people that you would quite possibly not consider extremely beautiful. But since when do we need a beautiful vessel to convey art? Since when do we have to have plastic idols to adore and yet they cannot convey what we as humans desire and need?
I miss the times when I could close my eyes in a dark club and just float away. I miss the times when my darkness covered body became filled with light as i simply spinned and moved on the floor with no cares and just let myself fall to my knees asking and begging for forgiveness or for understanding as i danced. As i crafted and weaved a spell of desire and magic for my hungry essence.
I miss fishnet black veiled clubs like some lackluster bird.Awaiting the glimmer of the moon to show the gleam of beauty hidden in the shadows.
Whatever happened to the music you had to dig for? Why is it so hard to take the time to find astounding pieces of music that leave you breathless? Is it just that much easier to turn on the radio and listen to what they tell you to? Is it really? When you are missing out on music like this?
soulmates in the songs,singing of our own agony and pain and suffering. We turn to them and listen to them.
Dancing has been a balm and a torment to me. I admit it out loud here. I have an injury that impedes my movement. So when I move to attempt to dance I find my movements hindered. I find i cannot move to show supplication to the sounds that comfort and inspire me. It tears me apart inside when i find i cannot dance like i used to. It also has inspired me to write and in my writings I find I can
still confer a certain degree of feelings,emotion and passion to the songs that I believe deserve their homage paid to them.
Watching dancers move whatever their genre is inspiring. It shows beautiful creatures moving in ways we only imagine. It shows them folding backwards with a simple movement of their arms showing disdain and submission. It is so beautiful to behold. Within their moves are hidden
sensuality. I find myself in many of them even if they are in another country and during a different time. Watching them I find communal commonality. They move and bleed silent cruor tears filled with their own longing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Inld-zDad0c&feature=related (it would not let me upload this so i inserted it here.It is Cities in dust by the ever present Siouxsie Sioux
*I hate the industry even more now, no bands get
nurtured anymore. Labels only spend money promoting acts they know will
be Top Ten. I find it offensive spending $2 million on a video.*
So they picked the careeer to display this to the world.The feelings I succumb to when listening to songs are amazing. Like a rainbow of affection, agitation, sorrow, sympathy, despondency, perturbation, concern, desire, inspiration, drive, ecstasy, elation, empathy, excitability, satisfaction, fervor, grief, happiness, joy, love, melancholy, rage, remorse, sadness, and sometimes even shame.
It is a fantastic climax of all of these things that keep us coming back for more. We sit or stand move or do not dare to for fear of embarrassment. Which is silly you should just dance and not care.Close your eyes and find your own space of freedom. You should hold your hands up to the sky and thank whatever god you believe in for such a gift as this. This..this amazing gift of freedom. The
fantastic guide for our souls. The gentle pouring of rain over our parched quintessence. Desperate for a drink of compassion, for a draught of feeling. To watch and know that we are not alone.
For too many years I have watched things change. I know that we idolize our musicians and think that they must be made from some seperate mold. Something different than where we came from. Not true at all. They have their own feelings and emotional catastrophies. Yet they step on stage and go on. The rape of the gift to me is the studio executives and the money behind it all. They place upon the stage beautiful looking beings that cannot convey our souls sustenence.They are mere pretty shells designed by thecorporate media and so many do not even question them.
They have not the ear anymore for beautiful music sung from the soul. Some of the most amazing and breathtaking songs were sung by people that you would quite possibly not consider extremely beautiful. But since when do we need a beautiful vessel to convey art? Since when do we have to have plastic idols to adore and yet they cannot convey what we as humans desire and need?
I miss the times when I could close my eyes in a dark club and just float away. I miss the times when my darkness covered body became filled with light as i simply spinned and moved on the floor with no cares and just let myself fall to my knees asking and begging for forgiveness or for understanding as i danced. As i crafted and weaved a spell of desire and magic for my hungry essence.
I miss fishnet black veiled clubs like some lackluster bird.Awaiting the glimmer of the moon to show the gleam of beauty hidden in the shadows.
Whatever happened to the music you had to dig for? Why is it so hard to take the time to find astounding pieces of music that leave you breathless? Is it just that much easier to turn on the radio and listen to what they tell you to? Is it really? When you are missing out on music like this?
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Living With Pain and Anxiety and Bi Polar
Patience is seen in these ways in the dictionary.Yet these are not covering fully all the meanings of patience.I have a problem with patience.
1.the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.
2.an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.
3.quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.
How do you gain patience when you are plagued with these feelings and emotions inside of you? Logically I understand patience. I understand that it is a good quality. I know that it is there to help people all people through times of tribulation and suffering. I know that patience gets things done,in time. I know that with things such a patience and kindness and compassion all things can be attained or understood better.
Yet I suffer from anxiety and bi polar disorder. It is not something that I enjoy. It is in fact a point of shame because it makes me react in ways that I should not. It makes me hurt people with my words. It makes me lash out over the smallest things. Then once this is done I am left stunned into shame for what I just did. I know it was not the correct way to react. I know I could have done better.I know that I have many things to learn still.
I have pointed out something that I felt someone I love could benefit from. I suggested that he find ways to work on his memory. I have not raised the issue again save the night when he asked me to control my temper. To not freak out over the small things. I did not get angry.But instead I did tell him that his working on his memory strength is something he is consciously aware of. Whereas my anxiety is a reaction without the benefit or needed safety stop in place to prevent it from coming out of my mouth. It just happens and then after It has done so then I feel shame and want to cry because I am not that person. I do care and love and accept.
I have struggled for years now to think before I react. Yet I react still and hurt people I love. I believe he understood what I said to him that night and realized it is not just as easy as he thinks it may be. I know that he does not think how i feel and how i react are all under my power. But like anyone that is on the outside looking in they only understand to a certain point. After that they are left guessing.Rather like trying really hard to read fine print. Important fine print but are unable to really make it out.
Today I got up early and made coffee and porridge and ran a bath and fed the cats and did laundry and so on.I left my partner sleeping. He works very hard and so I feel it is not only something i Love to do for him but i feel honor bound to do this as well. I try my best to be an honorable person that does good for others. Yet he said it was made with milk I had never heard this before. We have had discussions on living using less and I thought using water to boil it as I had done since i moved to England would be ok. I would leave a bowl of it and let my partner add whatever he liked to it. The coffee filter had not worked so there were grounds in it so i filtered them out.Then poured the coffee and put out breakfast and sat down to have some. My partner was not pleased you could tell he was trying to be polite like he always does. He ate very little and drank very little coffee. Towards the end I told him he could make it so It could be perfect. This was me lashing out at him for what? Nothing. It in turn made me feel like nothing.
Do I have a long way to go? Yes I do.Do I stumble along the way? Gods yes I do.I fall down and sometimes I look up wondering if i have moved forward at all.But I cannot give up.
To my partner we will work on this. A relationship is not about perfection.It is not about always agreeing.But if one of us does something wrong then we must say we are sorry and do our best to never do it again.I touch my loves cheek and look into his eyes and all i see is kindness and loyalty. He loves me even when i stumble. Even when my anxiety and bi polar play havoc with my true words. Sometimes I am so ashamed I hang my head and want to cry and curl up in a ball. I am truly sorry for all the times that i lose my temper and then regret it.
My partner means that I have a reason to go on.He is my other half of my soul. When he is away from me it is as if I am not able to breathe fully. Each day when he leaves to go down the road to go to work I watch him go. I feel pain at his leaving.Later in the evening when he returns to me I can once again breathe and feel whole again.There is nobody in my life I have ever met that has been kinder. Within his eyes is the soul of the best of all of us. What we all wish we could be he is. He holds within him such potential for a greater being. His hands softly hold mine and I suddenly feel safe. He holds me and I fall into a softer me and give in to the gentle persuasion of love that he holds. He is my anchor and my love.
I want the world to know that within all of us is a greater being just waiting for a chance to come out. Will you be your own mini sage all replete with the knowledge of the world? No. But in this greater form can you see and share the suffering of others? Can you understand that what they feel is something we all feel and share. Nobody is alone in this world. We are all brothers and sisters suffering,laughing,procreating,celebrating,living,contemplating great things,giving of ourselves. We are all capable of amazing things.
My wish is to be forgiven by my partner and you know what? He already has even though I do not feel I deserve it. But he did it. Thank you. Thank you for taking such a broken thing as I and mending it slowly as you can to fullness and strength again. Thank you. You have made my dreams come true. You held my hand when I needed it and you have given me the will to live. We sit for hours and just talk about what we want in life. Sharing and growing together. I do not want to walk down the road in life with anyone but you. You are my kitten and I am your kitty.
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